Sunday, September 19, 2010

It's The End Of The World As I Know It

=) Love it.

It's the end of the school year. One packed with nerves, new adventures, new friends, new interests, excitement, stress, anxiety, overwhelming peace, storms, influences and influencers, unexpected favor, and surprising weight loss. Haha! But what I've learned most from this year is how closely I have to walk with the Lord to stay sane.

I pursued passion and experience, and it was fun and good and interesting, but I quickly discovered that if my experiences outweighed my inner understanding of who He is to ME and how we are together in our relationship - I lose my bearings and quickly run aground. I need Him personally. I say it shamelessly - I can't make it a day without Him. I know He wants me to have experiences, but they have to add to my personal life with Him - otherwise they are signs that point nowhere and just leave me confused and anxious.

He told me at the beginning of the school year that we would take it slowly and that I'd have to stay centered in Him, but I kind of forgot about that. And my year has been amazing, but in the last couple of weeks I have SERIOUSLY overdone it. Especially on spring break. I went to my limits in growth (growth can be so exhausting) in way too many areas. I actually felt the Lord pretty obviously check me. I am not designed to do well on my own. ^_^

The other theme of this year - one I didn't recognize until tonight - is His faithfulness. Some people mention the faithfulness of God and you have no idea what they're talking about. I'm talking about His extreme skill in pursuing your best interests overall, no matter what it may look like at any given moment. He has answered so many prayers for me this year, but many were answered so creatively, I almost didn't recognize them as answers! But I think that God has this thing where He goes, "Ooo, eeesh, if I answer her prayer just the way she means it - man, she's gonna hate that. And that's going to burn her later on, down the road. You know what, I'll just do it like THIS - " and blammo, I'm working for minimum wage but I have a cellphone, a macbook, all my needs are met, and my second year is entirely paid for.

When I left home, I stressed out because I didn't have a job, I didn't have enough funds to move, I didn't know where I was going to live (didn't find a place until like four days before I left), and didn't have the money to attend school. I felt like I was being irresponsible because I felt such peace inside - I thought I was in denial. It wasn't denial - it was His Presence ushering me forward.

And now the year is winding down, and I have a week and three days of school left. Once again, the feelings of anxiety come - where am I going to live over the summer? What if I don't make it into second year - what will I do? How am I going to make it through the summer when all of my closest friends are leaving? And IMMEDIATELY, I'm drawn to this Cory Asbury song that quickly becomes my theme song "Faithful to the End". As I start listening to it, I'm comforted.

Yesterday, I found out I was accepted to second year. Fifteen minutes later, one of my closest friends and mentors asks me to live with her for the summer. And I'd live within a ten minute walk of three of my favorite people here in Redding - and they aren't leaving for the summer!

I am growing. God is faithful. He loves me and I love Him.


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