Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I Live His Life

I'm sitting in my darkened room and it's drizzling morosely outside. The only light is the glow from my wee computer screen and I should be long gone into the land of unconsciousness - but once more, I have a quick thought to share.

I was in worship tonight at Bethel and we were sang this song by Delirious called "History Maker". It sings about how we live for Him.

And as I sang, "I'm living for you, I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land, I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind, I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run, into your arms, into your arms again" it was resonating so loudly inside of me, I was just flipping out. But then, God showed me something. I saw how God breathed His life into my bones. That it was His life that gave me the strength to move forward. That I do nothing on my own. I actually saw two pictures: one was all of me consumed by His spirit - His spirit flowing in and out of me and filling me with life. The other was when I was living my own life, by my own power, by my own spirit. And the picture of my life on my own steam was so much fainter, so much weaker.

And I saw how I don't live my life, I live His life. Whenever I lose sight of that fact, I'm living my life in my strength and I'll get worn down. But when I remember that it's HIS life in me, that HE is living through me, then I am able to be all that I was born to be. And it's by running into His arms, again and again, that I am able to continue. It's by total reliance on Him that I can do all that I'm called to do. I am living for Him, but it's through Him that I live and move. It's only by His strength that I can exist. I need to rely on Him fully and completely abandon the fallacy of being able to do anything apart from Him. I live His life. But His life is my life. We are one.

This isn't terribly polished, because I really don't have time to edit it for readability, but it's what's coming out of my heart right now. Night y'all.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Intensity; Coupled With Grace And Self Control - It's A Good Thing

I'm feeling intense again. There are days when I'll suddenly hear this sentence or phrase in my heart and it just echos. And echos. The rest of my life may not realize it, but every area is affected by the fall out from that silent shout - everything is rearranged in some way. Adjusted to accommodate the expanding truth that is turning my world inside out.

It happened again tonight.

I was late for the night service at Bethel and only caught the tail end of the message, but the atmosphere in church was insane. Just heavy and waiting. Randall Worley was speaking and then he asked Bill Johnson to come up and pray for him. And it was at that moment that the gathering feelings crystallized into a sentence.

I want to manifest my Father to the world.

It was like I could see how Father God has been misrepresented. We go to church, we have worship services, we go on mission trips - all very good things, but some how the message comes across that our Father is shut off from us for long periods of time. That once church is over, He goes back to His room where He REALLY dwells. That if we want to feel His Presence, we have to gather in large groups and focus on Him really hard. We have to draw Him in.


He tore the heavens open so He could come and fellowship with His children again. As much as I want to be aware of His Presence, He wants it even more. He longs for me waaaay more than I long for Him. He LONGS for me. Wow.

I want to manifest my Father all day, every day. All night. All day. Creation is groaning, the world is groaning, we are groaning, the Father is groaning. But I can' t offer it to the world until I realize it for myself - I can only give away what I've received. He. Longs. For. Me.

I am not alone. He is mine and I am His.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Poised On The Precipice

I can feel it.

People don't realize how incredible God is. We talk about reflecting aspects of His personality, we talk about developing servant hearts - but I don't hear it taught that God is intoxicating.

He is.

Seriously, I mean it, He is. I never thought that God could satisfy. I thought that there would be things I'd have to go without or learn to live with out, but that's so wrong! That's NOT who He is! That's not what He's asking for!

I have brushed the merest surface of who God is and I am ruined. I really know now that I'll never be the same. And I try and I try to describe it - I really try!!! But religion has ruined the words I'd normally use and extreme-ism has ruined the more profound words as well. I'm trying to tell you practically, I don't go without. I'm telling you, once you discover Him for REAL - for real now, not some religious fervor or "do gooder" experience - it changes everything. I am free in ways I never thought I'd be. I am hungry in ways I never thought I'd be.

God is like pervasive silence. You don't even realize that He's seized you; then, suddenly, He's all throughout your being. There is a pause that stills everything within you and you're listening, listening; and then, somehow, you just KNOW. He is there! He is there and He has always been. He's in the wind, He's in your friends' laughter, He is in a sleeping child, He is in hard physical labor. God surrounds the atmosphere of your soul.

And once you realize that, you aren't smothered, you're treasured. You aren't confined - freedom is redefined for you. You find yourself in Him and through Him. And after that, you just want more. More of Him, more of Him released through you.

He is the kindest. He is the most hopeful. His fingerprints are creativity and light. We don't know Him, but He is everywhere.

All He asks for is for a moment, for an honest moment. It's not about your performance or my performance. It's not about having answers or good intentions the first time you sit with Him. He just wants a moment of truth with you, one moment where you can be together and be real. I won't say that He'll "fix" it all in a moment, though He could do that. The one thing I know for sure is that your moment will be different from my moment. What you'll do together in that moment is anyone's guess - but if you're truly honest, you will never be the same.

I started with one moment. Now I am transfixed and I know I'll never be the same.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Few Thoughts On A Different Kind Of Lack Mentality

I have revelation to share. =)

How many people know that the things that you think you want aren't always the things that you need?

When I was 10 or 11, my brother (Jeremy) went fishing with an adult friend of ours, I'll call him "Dave". While they were out, they ran into another friend, I'll call him "Steve". About ten minutes or so after Jeremy and Dave left Steve, they heard Steve calling for help. When they went to find out what was wrong, they discovered that Steve had broken his leg. Immediately, Dave went for help and my brother Jeremy had to stay with Steve and keep him calm.

This proved to be a difficult task, since Steve was convinced that the only thing he needed to do to feel better was to drag himself to the rushing water (and probably drown himself). So my brother spent the next half hour, physically restraining a grown man who was out of his head with pain. Why? Because what Steve wanted wasn't actually what Steve needed. People in pain do NOT have a clear idea of what they need to truly be healed.

I’ve been looking at the things that I thought I lacked in my life as I grew up. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot steer my life by my lack. I cannot look at my life and decide which direction I’m going to go based on whatever I “perceive” that I’m missing.

I’ve thought, "Gee, I'm kind of awkward with guys a lot of the time, I need more guy relationships. I should build guy friendships, and acclimate." (To all my guy friends, stop freaking out. You should know by now how clinical I can be sometimes.) After the teaching today, I realize, nope. I'm fine. I may have been pretty bad with guys in the past, but I’m actually doing really well with my guy relationships out here. My boundaries are in the right places, and a friendship with a guy really SHOULDN’T look like a friendship with a girl. And why am I doing so well? Because God brought healing to my life and then brought healthy relationships into my life.

I’ve thought, "Gee, I need a spiritual father. I haven't had many in my life, I need more." Figured out today that I have a spiritual dad right now! And I had one in the last season of my life too! It's just that what God supplied for my needs didn't fit with what I THOUGHT I needed. Does that make sense?

I read this book called the Bonesetter's Daughter and God totally spoke to me through it. I related to the main character, Ruth. Ruth realized that the very thing she wanted most (love) and searched for everywhere, she didn’t know how to accept because she never expected to receive it. When she was offered love, she didn't recognize it, because it didn't look the way she expected it to look. And that very fact enabled its transformation and regression. Ruth had gotten used to feeling unwanted, leftover. She was so acquainted with the lack in her life, she couldn't see the increase even though it WAS truly present in her life.

I believe that can be true with any of us. It’s a different kind of lack mentality. When we do the whole introspection thing, all we do is memorize our faults, or our weaknesses, or lack. The lie is that by memorizing our lack, the fulfilled want will look so drastically different that we'll recognize it immediately! So NOT TRUE!! So not true.

I have felt like I've lacked intimacy and love in my life - but that's not true. The truth is when I was offered love, it scared me and I didn't trust it. God has offered me good things my whole life, He has supplied my emotional and physical and spiritual needs all along the way. Was the path always smooth? No. Were there periods of pain? Yes. But more often than not the supply He offered me I took with very little thankfulness because I didn’t recognize it as supply!!

Wah! Ok, so now we’ve identified an area of lack. Haha! What’s my strategy now? Aggressively stop my introspection, empower my friends and spiritual parents to speak into my life, and live aggressively, passionately thankful. Thankfulness will always guard you from the prideful spirit that dares to question God.

This wasn’t very polished, but it’s what I have coming out of my heart. Hope it helps someone!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Snacks in the Night and Philosophical Meanderings

So, it's eleven thirty in Redding and I'm hungry. As I wait for the water to boil on my pasta (we eat late at Casa De Dogwood), I've been mulling over a couple of recent sermons I've heard.

In the last three months, I have struggled to savor and digest massive amounts of teaching. Just massive. You have no idea how amazing the teaching is at Bethel - unless you subscribe to ibethel.tv - and even then, you're missing out on home groups, small groups, revival groups, and just various and sundry bits of decadent revelations that random people share with you! It's amazing and just way, way, way too much to handle.

This affects me in two ways. One, I’m having to lean on God in a new way. I’m learning to trust Him to open the storehouses of my spirit and preserve all of this quality, exquisite revelation. I look at it like time release capsules – it will come back to me when I’m starving for something nourishing. (Not that I’m not going before God for my own daily revelations or bread, that’s not what I’m talking about, so no one have a cow, ok?) Thank God that His rhema is so infecting and withstands the test of time!

Two, I’m having God ask me, “What do you want to accomplish here Sam?” And He doesn’t want some generic “Umm, freedom? Peace?” answer. “What do you want, Sam?” It’s a question He asks me every so often, every time with life shaking results.

Because I can literally do anything that I want while I’m here. I can go to home groups every night, I can find people to play with, I can facebook the night away, I can go to the prayer house every day if I so choose. But what do I want? Why did I come here? And is it still the central desire of my heart?

Even tonight, I felt that same, “What do you want” nudge. I came home right after school and had a shower, then sat down with my pink NIV, fully intending to spend some time with God. But fifteen minutes in, welcome distractions knocked on my door! I could have gone to a party with my roommates (who entirely deserve a break, they are hardcore, homework heavyweights), I could have gotten into a water fight with my neighbors, I could have had dinner with some other neighbors. But again, what do I want?

I remember reading in one of Heidi Baker’s books this story of how they were ministering in a village, and there were people who walked three days without food and without water to hear them teach. The thing that breaks me is that they immediately lined up for the provisions the Bakers had brought with them – Bibles. They were literally starving, and would probably risk starvation again on the way home, but the line they got in first was for BIBLES.

I think that shows something about their hearts. They knew what they were really hungry for!! Hunger for organic food, well, that was a need, but they knew what they really wanted. They didn’t want a meal that would quell the ache for a few hours – they wanted the real food, the bread of life that would settle the issues of their souls!

So here’s the question again: what do I want to accomplish here? God, I want You. I want to line my toolbox with effective equipment and weaponry, I want to form relationships that challenge my comfort zone and last for the rest of my life – but so much more than that, I want YOU.

Jeremiah 15:16
When Your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight, for I bear Your name, O Lord God Almighty.

Night y’all.

Back From The Land Of Nowhere...

Haha, I'm BACK!!

Weird. I am so NOT who I was! This is going to be interesting.

For some of you, as you see the quantum leap God has done in my life it might be hard to reconcile. But let me be honest - God did it. I didn't work for this, I could not have effected this change if I'd gone to 20 years of counseling!

I've been posting some things on my Facebook, so I'm just going to re-post some of that. Hope you like it!! ^_^ Sam