Saturday, May 23, 2009

My Old Nemesis

(This is an old draft that I never published that was from before I left home. It's real and I think it's pretty good.)

Change. My old nemesis. Sigh.

You'd think that by now, I'd be ok with change. After all, it's a natural part of life. We're meant to move and grow and flow. Each day builds on the last. Blech.

Right now, it's like I'm in my solo boat, moving toward something new and different. At the same time, all around me, everyone else is flying off in different directions! It's a season of change, the time to take up new positions, and time to level up. The way I described it to my Mom, it's like we're in platoons, and we're all running in different formations. It looks scattered and swift and powerful from down here, but only the One watching from above sees the purpose and order to it all. It's cool, but it scares me.

I'm paddling my boat, trying to stay calm and just follow my orders, but I watch everyone else that I've walked with, fought with, trained with, LIVED with breaking off and dispersing. I want to be encouraging. I want to share their joy at their new assignments. I don't want to focus so much on my discomfort that I miss this precious time. But I'm scared.

And the really alarming thing is, there is NO going back! The things that were solid and comforting yesterday, are a raging river today! There is nothing that says that if I hold on here and fight for a feeling of security, that I'll actually find security here! Security is where God is, wherever He's leading me. I need to cling to Him, not to people.

I'm determined to keep learning, and growing.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Catching Up

Ahhhhhhh the wonderful amazing-ness of mothers. =) They rock, right?

I have an especially fine one. She keeps me on my toes, sets the bar for me, and calms me down when I get too crazy and flighty. A couple of days ago she sent me an email reminding me that it's been over six months since I posted on this blog, so here I am!

Weeeeell. Life has been busy, very busy. My older brother is moving out of the house for the first time...and across the country! Haha, overkill, no? My sisters have one more year of college respectively, and then they'll be off starting their solo lives. And, it looks like change is coming to my life as well!

I've learned a lot in the last months. The biggest lesson has been about God's favor - I have it already, and I don't need to do anything to earn it. You know that scripture that talks about how God will supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus? Yeah, well, I've always said that I believed that....BUT, I've majored in not needing that much. I've kept my expenses to a minimum, and trained myself to not want much of anything. I haven't asked God for much.

Now, I know that God wants me follow Him into new territory, and I can't go there without trusting Him. As I move forward, it's so easy to slip into old ways of thinking. My self protection/provision habits are so ingrained, it's taking conscious thought to change my patterns.

But I will do it! I was born for a purpose that is bigger than me! It's so big, I can't accomplish it without God! So I will learn, and I will learn, and I will relax into God's care - He's smarter than me anyway!!