My Old Nemesis

(This is an old draft that I never published that was from before I left home. It's real and I think it's pretty good.)

Change. My old nemesis. Sigh.

You'd think that by now, I'd be ok with change. After all, it's a natural part of life. We're meant to move and grow and flow. Each day builds on the last. Blech.

Right now, it's like I'm in my solo boat, moving toward something new and different. At the same time, all around me, everyone else is flying off in different directions! It's a season of change, the time to take up new positions, and time to level up. The way I described it to my Mom, it's like we're in platoons, and we're all running in different formations. It looks scattered and swift and powerful from down here, but only the One watching from above sees the purpose and order to it all. It's cool, but it scares me.

I'm paddling my boat, trying to stay calm and just follow my orders, but I watch everyone else that I've walked with, fought with, trained with, LIVED with breaking off and dispersing. I want to be encouraging. I want to share their joy at their new assignments. I don't want to focus so much on my discomfort that I miss this precious time. But I'm scared.

And the really alarming thing is, there is NO going back! The things that were solid and comforting yesterday, are a raging river today! There is nothing that says that if I hold on here and fight for a feeling of security, that I'll actually find security here! Security is where God is, wherever He's leading me. I need to cling to Him, not to people.

I'm determined to keep learning, and growing.

Catching Up

Ahhhhhhh the wonderful amazing-ness of mothers. =) They rock, right?

I have an especially fine one. She keeps me on my toes, sets the bar for me, and calms me down when I get too crazy and flighty. A couple of days ago she sent me an email reminding me that it's been over six months since I posted on this blog, so here I am!

Weeeeell. Life has been busy, very busy. My older brother is moving out of the house for the first time...and across the country! Haha, overkill, no? My sisters have one more year of college respectively, and then they'll be off starting their solo lives. And, it looks like change is coming to my life as well!

I've learned a lot in the last months. The biggest lesson has been about God's favor - I have it already, and I don't need to do anything to earn it. You know that scripture that talks about how God will supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus? Yeah, well, I've always said that I believed that....BUT, I've majored in not needing that much. I've kept my expenses to a minimum, and trained myself to not want much of anything. I haven't asked God for much.

Now, I know that God wants me follow Him into new territory, and I can't go there without trusting Him. As I move forward, it's so easy to slip into old ways of thinking. My self protection/provision habits are so ingrained, it's taking conscious thought to change my patterns.

But I will do it! I was born for a purpose that is bigger than me! It's so big, I can't accomplish it without God! So I will learn, and I will learn, and I will relax into God's care - He's smarter than me anyway!!

YAY!!! Dave Duell!!!

Guess what?? It's my BIRTHDAY on Sunday!! Woohoo!! Yeah! 23 years ancient and looking forward to the next year!

What is really fun is that I think God is giving me a flight of birthday surprises. Y'all know how much I love church right? (Duh.) Anyhoo, we have had two of my favorite ministers come into town in the last two weeks! And - try not to scream- my favorite minister of all time is FINALLY coming back to the area! The last time I was at a Dave Duell meeting, God set me free from a bunch of dark, tormenting junk. My whole life has been different since that meeting, so you can see why I'm so excited for Dave to come back!

=^_^= Don't worry, I'll post about the meetings! I'm expecting some great stuff!!

Photoshop For Memories? Hmmm!

I've been thinking recently about how important stories are to me. They affect me in so many ways! Here's an undeniable fact: I am a sucker for true life, hilarious stories. I really enjoy sitting down with someone and hearing about their childhood and all the scrapes they got into! At the same time, I'm beginning to see that I've memorized my whole life and packaged it in a series of stories.

They are supposed to be funny stories; stories that I'd want to share with my kids to make them laugh or to teach them something or to encourage them, or to just plain scare them! Both of my parents tell stories about their childhoods and I want to do the same. But I realized something the other day: these sorts of personal life stories color the way I see my life!

I slant my stories a certain way, highlighting dramatic events depending on the purpose of the story. Spotlight on the interesting, downplay anything that slows the story down or doesn't agree with the thesis idea. It's not that I change facts in the story (I'm not lying or even trying to deceive.), but there is a definite slant to the story. Do you know what I mean? There is always the "conclusion"! I may come out and say what the conclusion is, or it may be unspoken, but point is, the stories are vivid because I've gone back and edited them!

My friend Sarah is an amazing photographer. I LOOOOOOVE looking at her pictures and I could pick her work out of a line up, easy-peasy. But there is a process that her raw pictures have to go through before she hands them on to the bride and groom. She edits them! Crop this picture, add more blue to that bride's eyes, add this filter, etc. Editing! The angle of the shot was genius, but to make the bouquet pop out of the picture, she had to change the whole color scheme of the picture! She picks what she wants to highlight.

Does anyone get what I'm saying? Or am I being too abstract?

I looked back at couple of my more unpleasant childhood memories with this new thought. Did so and so really say such and so with that special emphasis? Maybe that incident only stands out on the ribbon of my timeline because I colored every detail of that memory with such vivid colors. Maybe if I went back and looked at that memory now, it would just be a regular "bouquet" that I had to choose to highlight.

It's such an interesting idea. It made me take a look at my memories again and search for the hidden overall conclusion to the collection. I'm sad to say, I wasn't impressed with what I found.

I'm beginning to see that the devil wants to me to pass a certain judgment on my life. I don't want to agree with him on ANYTHING. (Other than it stinks to be him!) So now, I'm going back through my memories one more time. This time, I'm looking for the influence of God! Those moments when I knew that I deserved one thing and for some reason I received so much better, the times when something good and perfect was unexpectedly offered to me, and the many times He saved me and I didn't even notice that He was there. I want to redefine my life. Wanna see what I've come up with?

My life has been amazingly blessed, cover to cover, and I can always find something to be thankful for!!

Taking Advantage Of The Everlasting Arms

I was driving home from work last night and feeling unsettled. It had been a rough day; had a couple of bad exchanges with coworkers, it seemed like nothing was set up the way it should have been for meals, and I was totally discouraged. I was in one of those moods where I'm frustrated, tired, and kind of mad at myself. You know what I mean?

I had some music playing in my car, but I was having a hard time listening to it. It was that song by Sanctus Real called, “I’m Not Alright”. The first part of the song says “If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then cool is just how far we have to fall. I am not immune. I only want to be loved, but I feel safe behind the firewall. Can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, I need to confess…” And then into the chorus of “I’m not alright”

Well, as I was listening, started feeling like I needed to talk to God. I started to tell Him, “I want to be loved, but I feel safest all bottled up to myself. God, I’m feeling really blaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh right now.”

He was like, ‘Sam, you need to rest with me.'

“Yeah, about that - I don’t really know how to make myself rest with You.”

And then I saw this image of a young child who is fussing and fussing. I could tell that there was really something wrong, but every time the parent tried to pick the baby up, the baby would just keep fussing, or worse, scream louder. It was heart breaking. The parent was trying to help the baby, but the baby wasn’t accepting comfort. It was like the baby didn’t trust the parent.

If you ignore a baby’s cries when it’s small, the baby learns that it’s not ok to have problems. That if she tries to let others know that she’s unhappy, uncomfortable, scared, tired, hungry, no one cares.

I know the baby represented an attitude in me. I know in a “I can support this with scripture” way that God wants to help me, but I struggle with trusting Him. One of the first things God taught me when I rededicated my life to Him was, “When you’re unhappy, Sam, CRY.” Now I'm learning that I need to accept comfort once I’ve cried. To do that, I have to face a mindset that I have: I can tell God my problems, but that doesn’t mean that He’s going to help me!

Philipians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

“Sam, you need to look for my arms. When you’re crying, look around for my arms. I’m going to comfort you, if you’ll let me.”

Hmm. “Well, God, I’m kind of driving right now…soooo.” And then I realized what a beautiful evening it was. It was the sort of skyline that you had to see to believe, and there was a lovely breeze. It was a very (dare I say it?) soooothing sort of evening. And then to top it all off, I started to hear the intro to a particular Klaus Kuhn song in my head.

“Ok, God.” I flipped my ipod over to my Klaus Kuhn folder and began to listen to the song "Psalm 23". As the first strains filled the car, I could feel all the muscles in my neck start to loosen and, better yet, I started to feel peace way down deep. Then, I saw that baby slumped on her dad’s shoulder, finally relaxed. Finally at peace. Finally comforted.

(Note: I’m not a supporter of repeatedly confessing that I’m broken inside. I like POSITIVE confessions – but sometimes, when I’m with very close friends or talking to God there is a need to be factual in a soul baring sort of way. It’s a balance that each person has to walk for themselves, and it’s not as difficult to judge as it sounds.)

OUCH!!!!

Today, I went to church, ran the camera, went to lunch with my family, worked for five hours, and then went to pick up my sister from a friend's house. By the end of the day, my back was AGONY.

I don't have back trouble. I've never stressed my back, pulled anything, slept on a bad matress for more than a week (can't control the vacation beds!), or struggled with sciatica. But this - this was serious. It hurt to drive home.

I went upstairs and lay down on Abby's bed. (My youngest sister.) She has a very firm, supportive mattress and I figured it would be best for the situation. Not so much. Once I lay down, I couldn't get up!! This was quickly becoming an "AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" situation!

What could I do? I have to be back at work on Tuesday and willing to stand for eight hours straight. At the time I was thinking about these facts, I couldn't sit up straight without panic inducing pain.

My only hope. "Jesus, I need help." Bam, the next thought: Jeremy's going to be home in an hour, have him pray for you.

Luke 4:40
When the sun was setting, all those who had any that were sick with various diseases brought them to Him; and He laid His hands on every one of them and healed them.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, than whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Well, Jeremy got home about twenty minutes ago. He came straight upstairs and prayed for me. I got up and began walking around. At first, I couldn't stand up straight or support much of my own weight. Then, as he kept praying, the pain started flowing out of my legs. Just kept growing less and less and less. I was able to stand on my own. I was able to straighten my back. I was able to sit down and stand up again. I was able to WALK DOWN STAIRS.

Jesus healed me. Wasn't mind over matter. Wasn't pain medication (not that I'm saying stop taking medications!!). It wasn't some wacko voodoo trick. Jesus loves me. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I'm able to write this down because Jesus healed me.

A Brazen Posting

There are times when I realize that I shield my vulgar humanity from God's view. You know what I mean? The coarser side, the dirtier flaws. There's an idea lurking that I need to work on those things on my own for a bit and get them tidied up before I can let God have a go at them. Like God would be offended or surprised by anything I did!! Ha!

I like to think that I post helpful things on here. That I'm willing to post about the lessons that I've learned that trained my "uglier" side. But a friend of mine just posted a story that totally blows my illusion of transparency out of the water.

It's gritty, it's strongly worded, it's uncensored. But I honestly believe that it touches on a topic that we need to think about. Don't be offended. Hear the message. Grow.

Check it out.