I Live His Life

I'm sitting in my darkened room and it's drizzling morosely outside. The only light is the glow from my wee computer screen and I should be long gone into the land of unconsciousness - but once more, I have a quick thought to share.

I was in worship tonight at Bethel and we were sang this song by Delirious called "History Maker". It sings about how we live for Him.

And as I sang, "I'm living for you, I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land, I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind, I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run, into your arms, into your arms again" it was resonating so loudly inside of me, I was just flipping out. But then, God showed me something. I saw how God breathed His life into my bones. That it was His life that gave me the strength to move forward. That I do nothing on my own. I actually saw two pictures: one was all of me consumed by His spirit - His spirit flowing in and out of me and filling me with life. The other was when I was living my own life, by my own power, by my own spirit. And the picture of my life on my own steam was so much fainter, so much weaker.

And I saw how I don't live my life, I live His life. Whenever I lose sight of that fact, I'm living my life in my strength and I'll get worn down. But when I remember that it's HIS life in me, that HE is living through me, then I am able to be all that I was born to be. And it's by running into His arms, again and again, that I am able to continue. It's by total reliance on Him that I can do all that I'm called to do. I am living for Him, but it's through Him that I live and move. It's only by His strength that I can exist. I need to rely on Him fully and completely abandon the fallacy of being able to do anything apart from Him. I live His life. But His life is my life. We are one.

This isn't terribly polished, because I really don't have time to edit it for readability, but it's what's coming out of my heart right now. Night y'all.

Intensity; Coupled With Grace And Self Control - It's A Good Thing

I'm feeling intense again. There are days when I'll suddenly hear this sentence or phrase in my heart and it just echos. And echos. The rest of my life may not realize it, but every area is affected by the fall out from that silent shout - everything is rearranged in some way. Adjusted to accommodate the expanding truth that is turning my world inside out.

It happened again tonight.

I was late for the night service at Bethel and only caught the tail end of the message, but the atmosphere in church was insane. Just heavy and waiting. Randall Worley was speaking and then he asked Bill Johnson to come up and pray for him. And it was at that moment that the gathering feelings crystallized into a sentence.

I want to manifest my Father to the world.

It was like I could see how Father God has been misrepresented. We go to church, we have worship services, we go on mission trips - all very good things, but some how the message comes across that our Father is shut off from us for long periods of time. That once church is over, He goes back to His room where He REALLY dwells. That if we want to feel His Presence, we have to gather in large groups and focus on Him really hard. We have to draw Him in.

Lies.

He tore the heavens open so He could come and fellowship with His children again. As much as I want to be aware of His Presence, He wants it even more. He longs for me waaaay more than I long for Him. He LONGS for me. Wow.

I want to manifest my Father all day, every day. All night. All day. Creation is groaning, the world is groaning, we are groaning, the Father is groaning. But I can' t offer it to the world until I realize it for myself - I can only give away what I've received. He. Longs. For. Me.

I am not alone. He is mine and I am His.

Poised On The Precipice

I can feel it.

People don't realize how incredible God is. We talk about reflecting aspects of His personality, we talk about developing servant hearts - but I don't hear it taught that God is intoxicating.

He is.

Seriously, I mean it, He is. I never thought that God could satisfy. I thought that there would be things I'd have to go without or learn to live with out, but that's so wrong! That's NOT who He is! That's not what He's asking for!

I have brushed the merest surface of who God is and I am ruined. I really know now that I'll never be the same. And I try and I try to describe it - I really try!!! But religion has ruined the words I'd normally use and extreme-ism has ruined the more profound words as well. I'm trying to tell you practically, I don't go without. I'm telling you, once you discover Him for REAL - for real now, not some religious fervor or "do gooder" experience - it changes everything. I am free in ways I never thought I'd be. I am hungry in ways I never thought I'd be.

God is like pervasive silence. You don't even realize that He's seized you; then, suddenly, He's all throughout your being. There is a pause that stills everything within you and you're listening, listening; and then, somehow, you just KNOW. He is there! He is there and He has always been. He's in the wind, He's in your friends' laughter, He is in a sleeping child, He is in hard physical labor. God surrounds the atmosphere of your soul.

And once you realize that, you aren't smothered, you're treasured. You aren't confined - freedom is redefined for you. You find yourself in Him and through Him. And after that, you just want more. More of Him, more of Him released through you.

He is the kindest. He is the most hopeful. His fingerprints are creativity and light. We don't know Him, but He is everywhere.

All He asks for is for a moment, for an honest moment. It's not about your performance or my performance. It's not about having answers or good intentions the first time you sit with Him. He just wants a moment of truth with you, one moment where you can be together and be real. I won't say that He'll "fix" it all in a moment, though He could do that. The one thing I know for sure is that your moment will be different from my moment. What you'll do together in that moment is anyone's guess - but if you're truly honest, you will never be the same.

I started with one moment. Now I am transfixed and I know I'll never be the same.

A Few Thoughts On A Different Kind Of Lack Mentality

I have revelation to share. =)

How many people know that the things that you think you want aren't always the things that you need?

When I was 10 or 11, my brother (Jeremy) went fishing with an adult friend of ours, I'll call him "Dave". While they were out, they ran into another friend, I'll call him "Steve". About ten minutes or so after Jeremy and Dave left Steve, they heard Steve calling for help. When they went to find out what was wrong, they discovered that Steve had broken his leg. Immediately, Dave went for help and my brother Jeremy had to stay with Steve and keep him calm.

This proved to be a difficult task, since Steve was convinced that the only thing he needed to do to feel better was to drag himself to the rushing water (and probably drown himself). So my brother spent the next half hour, physically restraining a grown man who was out of his head with pain. Why? Because what Steve wanted wasn't actually what Steve needed. People in pain do NOT have a clear idea of what they need to truly be healed.

I’ve been looking at the things that I thought I lacked in my life as I grew up. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot steer my life by my lack. I cannot look at my life and decide which direction I’m going to go based on whatever I “perceive” that I’m missing.

I’ve thought, "Gee, I'm kind of awkward with guys a lot of the time, I need more guy relationships. I should build guy friendships, and acclimate." (To all my guy friends, stop freaking out. You should know by now how clinical I can be sometimes.) After the teaching today, I realize, nope. I'm fine. I may have been pretty bad with guys in the past, but I’m actually doing really well with my guy relationships out here. My boundaries are in the right places, and a friendship with a guy really SHOULDN’T look like a friendship with a girl. And why am I doing so well? Because God brought healing to my life and then brought healthy relationships into my life.

I’ve thought, "Gee, I need a spiritual father. I haven't had many in my life, I need more." Figured out today that I have a spiritual dad right now! And I had one in the last season of my life too! It's just that what God supplied for my needs didn't fit with what I THOUGHT I needed. Does that make sense?

I read this book called the Bonesetter's Daughter and God totally spoke to me through it. I related to the main character, Ruth. Ruth realized that the very thing she wanted most (love) and searched for everywhere, she didn’t know how to accept because she never expected to receive it. When she was offered love, she didn't recognize it, because it didn't look the way she expected it to look. And that very fact enabled its transformation and regression. Ruth had gotten used to feeling unwanted, leftover. She was so acquainted with the lack in her life, she couldn't see the increase even though it WAS truly present in her life.

I believe that can be true with any of us. It’s a different kind of lack mentality. When we do the whole introspection thing, all we do is memorize our faults, or our weaknesses, or lack. The lie is that by memorizing our lack, the fulfilled want will look so drastically different that we'll recognize it immediately! So NOT TRUE!! So not true.

I have felt like I've lacked intimacy and love in my life - but that's not true. The truth is when I was offered love, it scared me and I didn't trust it. God has offered me good things my whole life, He has supplied my emotional and physical and spiritual needs all along the way. Was the path always smooth? No. Were there periods of pain? Yes. But more often than not the supply He offered me I took with very little thankfulness because I didn’t recognize it as supply!!

Wah! Ok, so now we’ve identified an area of lack. Haha! What’s my strategy now? Aggressively stop my introspection, empower my friends and spiritual parents to speak into my life, and live aggressively, passionately thankful. Thankfulness will always guard you from the prideful spirit that dares to question God.

This wasn’t very polished, but it’s what I have coming out of my heart. Hope it helps someone!

Snacks in the Night and Philosophical Meanderings

So, it's eleven thirty in Redding and I'm hungry. As I wait for the water to boil on my pasta (we eat late at Casa De Dogwood), I've been mulling over a couple of recent sermons I've heard.

In the last three months, I have struggled to savor and digest massive amounts of teaching. Just massive. You have no idea how amazing the teaching is at Bethel - unless you subscribe to ibethel.tv - and even then, you're missing out on home groups, small groups, revival groups, and just various and sundry bits of decadent revelations that random people share with you! It's amazing and just way, way, way too much to handle.

This affects me in two ways. One, I’m having to lean on God in a new way. I’m learning to trust Him to open the storehouses of my spirit and preserve all of this quality, exquisite revelation. I look at it like time release capsules – it will come back to me when I’m starving for something nourishing. (Not that I’m not going before God for my own daily revelations or bread, that’s not what I’m talking about, so no one have a cow, ok?) Thank God that His rhema is so infecting and withstands the test of time!

Two, I’m having God ask me, “What do you want to accomplish here Sam?” And He doesn’t want some generic “Umm, freedom? Peace?” answer. “What do you want, Sam?” It’s a question He asks me every so often, every time with life shaking results.

Because I can literally do anything that I want while I’m here. I can go to home groups every night, I can find people to play with, I can facebook the night away, I can go to the prayer house every day if I so choose. But what do I want? Why did I come here? And is it still the central desire of my heart?

Even tonight, I felt that same, “What do you want” nudge. I came home right after school and had a shower, then sat down with my pink NIV, fully intending to spend some time with God. But fifteen minutes in, welcome distractions knocked on my door! I could have gone to a party with my roommates (who entirely deserve a break, they are hardcore, homework heavyweights), I could have gotten into a water fight with my neighbors, I could have had dinner with some other neighbors. But again, what do I want?

I remember reading in one of Heidi Baker’s books this story of how they were ministering in a village, and there were people who walked three days without food and without water to hear them teach. The thing that breaks me is that they immediately lined up for the provisions the Bakers had brought with them – Bibles. They were literally starving, and would probably risk starvation again on the way home, but the line they got in first was for BIBLES.

I think that shows something about their hearts. They knew what they were really hungry for!! Hunger for organic food, well, that was a need, but they knew what they really wanted. They didn’t want a meal that would quell the ache for a few hours – they wanted the real food, the bread of life that would settle the issues of their souls!

So here’s the question again: what do I want to accomplish here? God, I want You. I want to line my toolbox with effective equipment and weaponry, I want to form relationships that challenge my comfort zone and last for the rest of my life – but so much more than that, I want YOU.

Jeremiah 15:16
When Your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight, for I bear Your name, O Lord God Almighty.

Night y’all.

REWIND: A Quick Thought On Boldness!

~What is boldness? It's daring to throw yourself out onto the promises of God. To believe that He has only good things in store for you, and refusing to accept anything less. It's forgeting about yourself, and your image, and your reputation, and YOU. It's facing rejection, not once, not twice, but daily. It's living on the edge; refusing to settle, back down, become complacent, or stop taking ground. Man, what a lifestyle.~

The above is something I posted several months ago. It's kind of funny, when I'm feeling down, or discouraged, I'll often go back and look at things that I've posted before! It's such a surprising encouragement - I love it.

At the end of last year, I was invited to go to Guatemala in February and visit my best friend. (This will be my first mission trip!) When I prayed about it, I felt like the Lord very clearly said, "Yes, go." So since early November, I've been preparing to leave.

Every step of the way, no matter how simple the step there have been OBSTACLES. And through out a pervasive sense of "rush, rush, rush, hurry, hurry, hurry...Sam! You're holding everyone up!!" Clearly, it's the enemy.

I'm finding it so hard not to indulge in severe discouragement. I keep reminding myself that God is watching over me, that He's directing my steps, but I think my "Word levels" are low. So I guess my suggestion to anyone who is facing difficulties right now: DO be faithful in spending some time in the Word every day! Reading encouraging scriptures recharges your batteries and keeps your heart in the place of rest that God has prepared for every believer! (Speaking of rest, I think I'm going to go do that right now....!)

I post this scripture a lot, but it's so TRUE!! Chew the cud with me:

Jeremiah 29 :11-13
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Psalm 119:1-8 NIV (A Personal Closer Look)

Aleph
1 Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.
2 Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart.
3 They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways.
4 You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed.
5 Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees!
6 Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands.
7 I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws.
8 I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.

I've been talking with a guy who is a close friend of mine and he's been kind of struggling with his own perception of right and wrong. Everyone has standards for his or her own life. It's like a person's own line in the sand. Example: I'll get super mad at my Mom and be disrespectful, but I won't hit someone in anger. Or: I'll drive five miles over the speed limit, but I won't make illegal left turns. Personal perception of right and wrong and all the varying degrees therein.

I'm hearing someone think, "So what?" Well, we've just identified a form of "law". Only this law is human law, carnal law, Sam's law of relatively bad behavior. And this kind of law gives us trouble!

My friend was considering doing something, and was running into some difficulty going ahead with it with a clear and easy heart. One reason for worry was that he was concerned with what others would think, what others would say. Another reason for worry, an even bigger one in my opinion, was that he wasn't sure whether God considered what he was about to do a sin. Frustrated, he said, "I wish there was a list of do's and don'ts! Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything!"

I've felt like that before. We get into this formulaic mindset, where all we want is a list of rules. Just a list of rules, so that it's easy. Don't have to think about it, don't have to go ask God about anything, just consult the list and go on living our own lives.

Ps. 119:
1 Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.
2 Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart.
3 They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways.

The problem with wanting a list like that is that it isn't easy. The Israelites could tell us how NOT easy it was. Things happen, and there are so many variables to deal with in actual, real life situations that a concrete rule can't allow for. When we're rules focused we're also sin conscious, so we're missing it there too!

Man! Harsh!

There is hope though! In Galatians 5:1 it says: "It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery." What were we set free from? Sin and death!! And what was the yolk that harnessed us to our sins? LAW!! The law condemned us. So what did God do? He didn't just make a bunch of add-ons and adjustments to the law, He sent Jesus to take the punishment in our place, and gave us a new law, a simpler law, a law that established grace, mercy, and relationship as the rule!!

How many of you hate when you call customer service and get those automated things? "For problems with the billing department, press one. For the claims department, press 2." I get SO frustrated when my problem doesn't fit their list!! I'm always so RELIEVED to talk to a live person, I end up being so sweet and nice, I almost don't get my issue resolved!! Think of your life like that. God wanted to take out the inflexibility of "The LAW" and instead deal with you one-on-one!

Paul said it like this:
Galatians 5:4-6 You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Galatians 5:16
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

My advice to my friend? Talk to God!! Get to know God!! Ask Him what is good and upright. Seek Him, get to know Him, learn to love Him, and then you won't be asking for a list! You'll be naturally serving God and doing what is right.

Lastly:
Ephesians 5:8-9
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.

YWM And Talks About God

This past Wednesday, our church had our first young women's meeting! It was WONDERFUL!! (Check out Sarah's blog for a picture and her take on the evening.) We had about twelve young ladies attend and I think everyone came away with something to think about. God has been so good to all of us and I know He's going to take us waaaaay further than we could even imagine.

So! On with my post! I have a theory. Struggles and problems stem from a misunderstanding of who God is. (Wasn't that short and sweet?)

For every issue that I've dealt with in my life, I've been able to trace it back to a basic misunderstanding of God. When I realize that God is kind, that God is trustworthy, that He isn't angry with me, that He's full of joy, that He's GENTLE, He's full of patience, and most importantly He LOVES ME, it changes everything.

One of my biggest challenges is that I'm a pretty cerebral person. I love to logic things out. When I get into a mess, I tend to want to work it out for myself. Even when I say that I'm trusting God, it's more like, "Ok, I'm trusting God! So with the power of God flowing through me, I'm going to fix this!!" And then when I make it worse, I've found myself asking God why He failed me!!! >_<

Trusting God means that you have completely taken your hands off and surrendered the problem to God. Sometimes, He'll guide you through certain steps to get out of the muddle. Other times (and this is where I've been falling down!), He needs you to just leave the problem with Him.

If I had the full revelation of who God is, it would change my thought patterns. Instead of automatically jumping in to fix stuff on my own, I'd relax, lean back and watch God work. Instead of feeling condemned and stressed when I've done something stupid, I'd apologize and then feel free!

The good news is, the more you hang out with God (like praying or reading your bible, or something of that sort) the better you get to know Him. I've started hanging certain scriptures on my wall. Ones that are encouraging, or talk about a certain characteristic of God are especially good. I can think about those as I clean my room or get ready for work and it cements the image of that aspect of God in my heart. This is the whole "renewing your mind" thingie that pastors are always talking about! =)

I hope this helps. (I haven't arrived, but I've left and I'm not giving up!!)

Love ya,
Samantha

God Wants His People Flambe!

As I start this blog post, I'm not even sure what I'm going to talk about. I had a few ideas yesterday, but the day has brought new topics of discussion. (This post could also be called "The Mental Wanderings of Sam"!) So, I'm just going to type and see what comes out!

I was thinking about worship the other night. My ideas of worship have been overhauled several times now. I used to think that a really good worship service meant it was easy to get swept up into the singing. Somewhere along the way, that idea was discarded. I'm not even sure how I stopped thinking that way. I began to feel like I should step out more in the singing; stop being so conscious of the people around me and focus more on Jesus. When I started doing that, I found that it didn't matter how good the musicians were or how touching the music was, I got something from thinking about how wonderful Jesus is!

Good right? Very good! (I'm not "grading" myself, or saying it was wrong to feel that way. I just want to present another veiwpoint.) But what if worship isn't about "getting" something from God?

I was listening to a sermon in the car on the way to my brother's school. The minister was talking about how when the Israelites went into the temple to meet with God, they always took a sacrifice. They wouldn't think of going without having something to burn for God. Later they found out that God didn't really care about the burnt offerings, it was their hearts He was watching as they came before Him.

How's your heart as you come before Him? On Sundays, or whenever you've got some time set aside for worshiping God, do you lay everything else down and devote yourself to Him? Maybe you have a bunch of kids who hang on you and bug you all the time, or maybe you have money issues that are clamoring for your attention, or maybe you're struggling with some emotional problems? Lay it all down.

Worship isn't "needs" focused. Worship isn't "me" focused. Worship is an offering to God before you accept the word He has provided for you through your pastor's preaching. It's saying, "God, I love you. I think you're amazing. I don't care about anything else right now; I just want you to know how wonderful I think you are!"

It's not always easy. But, that's why it's called sacrifice of praise!

Hebrews 13:14&15
For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come. Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise--the fruit of lips that confess his name.

Sometimes, putting all the distractions out of your mind is an uphill battle through a flesh forest while it's pouring emotional rain. But when you push beyond your comfort zone, God will come and set you ablaze!

Remember Elijah and that bunch of baal priests? They were trying to decide whose god was the true god. The priests of baal had spent all day trying to get baal to burn up the animal on the altar, with hilarious commentary from Elijah. Nothing happened. When it was Elijah's turn, he decided to make things interesting.

1Kings 18:32-35
With the stones he built an altar in the name of the Lord, and he dug a trench around it large enough to hold two seahs of seed. He arranged the wood, cut the bull into pieces and laid it on the wood. Then he said to them, "Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood." "Do it again," he said, and they did it again. "Do it a third time," he ordered, and they did it the third time. The water ran down around the altar and even filled the trench.

The wood was soaked. The whole thing would probably take days to dry out naturally. But in verse 38, we see what happened when after Elijah called on the Lord:

Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench.

Our God is big into bringing more than enough! No squabble with your mother-in-law can put out the fire He starts in you! Nothing your boss says can dampen your wood to the point of making a spiritual blaze impossible! If we trust Him, He'll bring the increase! Get out of your comfort zone, and you're into the supernatural!

So there we are. That's what I've been thinking about. Since I've been having a.....um.....a growing season (>_<), this message is for me too! To be completely honest, all of my posts challenge me, so don't feel badly if you've got some things to work on!

Hope this helps and have a GREAT week!

Trusting God

Whichever way we go in life, we have to consult God for directions. Whatever we want to do, whatever result we want to see in our lives, God has the answers.

Have you ever found yourself somewhere and you have no idea how you got there? Not literally, but figuratively. Sometimes, because of pressure or fear, we take the easy road or a detour and suddenly, we wind up somewhere insane!

Example: I'm graduating college in a couple weeks. I'll have a degree in culinary arts, one that I worked very hard for. But the sad thing is, I'm not passionate about culinary and I know that I don't want to cook for the rest of my life.

Praise God, I know that God can use the skills I've obtained, plus, I know that I've grown a LOT in culinary school. It wasn't a complete waste of time. But what would have happened if I had trusted God in the first place and asked Him what He wanted me to do?

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Blessings,
Samantha