I have revelation to share. =)
How many people know that the things that you think you want aren't always the things that you need?
When I was 10 or 11, my brother (Jeremy) went fishing with an adult friend of ours, I'll call him "Dave". While they were out, they ran into another friend, I'll call him "Steve". About ten minutes or so after Jeremy and Dave left Steve, they heard Steve calling for help. When they went to find out what was wrong, they discovered that Steve had broken his leg. Immediately, Dave went for help and my brother Jeremy had to stay with Steve and keep him calm.
This proved to be a difficult task, since Steve was convinced that the only thing he needed to do to feel better was to drag himself to the rushing water (and probably drown himself). So my brother spent the next half hour, physically restraining a grown man who was out of his head with pain. Why? Because what Steve wanted wasn't actually what Steve needed. People in pain do NOT have a clear idea of what they need to truly be healed.
I’ve been looking at the things that I thought I lacked in my life as I grew up. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot steer my life by my lack. I cannot look at my life and decide which direction I’m going to go based on whatever I “perceive” that I’m missing.
I’ve thought, "Gee, I'm kind of awkward with guys a lot of the time, I need more guy relationships. I should build guy friendships, and acclimate." (To all my guy friends, stop freaking out. You should know by now how clinical I can be sometimes.) After the teaching today, I realize, nope. I'm fine. I may have been pretty bad with guys in the past, but I’m actually doing really well with my guy relationships out here. My boundaries are in the right places, and a friendship with a guy really SHOULDN’T look like a friendship with a girl. And why am I doing so well? Because God brought healing to my life and then brought healthy relationships into my life.
I’ve thought, "Gee, I need a spiritual father. I haven't had many in my life, I need more." Figured out today that I have a spiritual dad right now! And I had one in the last season of my life too! It's just that what God supplied for my needs didn't fit with what I THOUGHT I needed. Does that make sense?
I read this book called the Bonesetter's Daughter and God totally spoke to me through it. I related to the main character, Ruth. Ruth realized that the very thing she wanted most (love) and searched for everywhere, she didn’t know how to accept because she never expected to receive it. When she was offered love, she didn't recognize it, because it didn't look the way she expected it to look. And that very fact enabled its transformation and regression. Ruth had gotten used to feeling unwanted, leftover. She was so acquainted with the lack in her life, she couldn't see the increase even though it WAS truly present in her life.
I believe that can be true with any of us. It’s a different kind of lack mentality. When we do the whole introspection thing, all we do is memorize our faults, or our weaknesses, or lack. The lie is that by memorizing our lack, the fulfilled want will look so drastically different that we'll recognize it immediately! So NOT TRUE!! So not true.
I have felt like I've lacked intimacy and love in my life - but that's not true. The truth is when I was offered love, it scared me and I didn't trust it. God has offered me good things my whole life, He has supplied my emotional and physical and spiritual needs all along the way. Was the path always smooth? No. Were there periods of pain? Yes. But more often than not the supply He offered me I took with very little thankfulness because I didn’t recognize it as supply!!
Wah! Ok, so now we’ve identified an area of lack. Haha! What’s my strategy now? Aggressively stop my introspection, empower my friends and spiritual parents to speak into my life, and live aggressively, passionately thankful. Thankfulness will always guard you from the prideful spirit that dares to question God.
This wasn’t very polished, but it’s what I have coming out of my heart. Hope it helps someone!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Snacks in the Night and Philosophical Meanderings
So, it's eleven thirty in Redding and I'm hungry. As I wait for the water to boil on my pasta (we eat late at Casa De Dogwood), I've been mulling over a couple of recent sermons I've heard.
In the last three months, I have struggled to savor and digest massive amounts of teaching. Just massive. You have no idea how amazing the teaching is at Bethel - unless you subscribe to ibethel.tv - and even then, you're missing out on home groups, small groups, revival groups, and just various and sundry bits of decadent revelations that random people share with you! It's amazing and just way, way, way too much to handle.
This affects me in two ways. One, I’m having to lean on God in a new way. I’m learning to trust Him to open the storehouses of my spirit and preserve all of this quality, exquisite revelation. I look at it like time release capsules – it will come back to me when I’m starving for something nourishing. (Not that I’m not going before God for my own daily revelations or bread, that’s not what I’m talking about, so no one have a cow, ok?) Thank God that His rhema is so infecting and withstands the test of time!
Two, I’m having God ask me, “What do you want to accomplish here Sam?” And He doesn’t want some generic “Umm, freedom? Peace?” answer. “What do you want, Sam?” It’s a question He asks me every so often, every time with life shaking results.
Because I can literally do anything that I want while I’m here. I can go to home groups every night, I can find people to play with, I can facebook the night away, I can go to the prayer house every day if I so choose. But what do I want? Why did I come here? And is it still the central desire of my heart?
Even tonight, I felt that same, “What do you want” nudge. I came home right after school and had a shower, then sat down with my pink NIV, fully intending to spend some time with God. But fifteen minutes in, welcome distractions knocked on my door! I could have gone to a party with my roommates (who entirely deserve a break, they are hardcore, homework heavyweights), I could have gotten into a water fight with my neighbors, I could have had dinner with some other neighbors. But again, what do I want?
I remember reading in one of Heidi Baker’s books this story of how they were ministering in a village, and there were people who walked three days without food and without water to hear them teach. The thing that breaks me is that they immediately lined up for the provisions the Bakers had brought with them – Bibles. They were literally starving, and would probably risk starvation again on the way home, but the line they got in first was for BIBLES.
I think that shows something about their hearts. They knew what they were really hungry for!! Hunger for organic food, well, that was a need, but they knew what they really wanted. They didn’t want a meal that would quell the ache for a few hours – they wanted the real food, the bread of life that would settle the issues of their souls!
So here’s the question again: what do I want to accomplish here? God, I want You. I want to line my toolbox with effective equipment and weaponry, I want to form relationships that challenge my comfort zone and last for the rest of my life – but so much more than that, I want YOU.
Jeremiah 15:16
When Your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight, for I bear Your name, O Lord God Almighty.
Night y’all.
In the last three months, I have struggled to savor and digest massive amounts of teaching. Just massive. You have no idea how amazing the teaching is at Bethel - unless you subscribe to ibethel.tv - and even then, you're missing out on home groups, small groups, revival groups, and just various and sundry bits of decadent revelations that random people share with you! It's amazing and just way, way, way too much to handle.
This affects me in two ways. One, I’m having to lean on God in a new way. I’m learning to trust Him to open the storehouses of my spirit and preserve all of this quality, exquisite revelation. I look at it like time release capsules – it will come back to me when I’m starving for something nourishing. (Not that I’m not going before God for my own daily revelations or bread, that’s not what I’m talking about, so no one have a cow, ok?) Thank God that His rhema is so infecting and withstands the test of time!
Two, I’m having God ask me, “What do you want to accomplish here Sam?” And He doesn’t want some generic “Umm, freedom? Peace?” answer. “What do you want, Sam?” It’s a question He asks me every so often, every time with life shaking results.
Because I can literally do anything that I want while I’m here. I can go to home groups every night, I can find people to play with, I can facebook the night away, I can go to the prayer house every day if I so choose. But what do I want? Why did I come here? And is it still the central desire of my heart?
Even tonight, I felt that same, “What do you want” nudge. I came home right after school and had a shower, then sat down with my pink NIV, fully intending to spend some time with God. But fifteen minutes in, welcome distractions knocked on my door! I could have gone to a party with my roommates (who entirely deserve a break, they are hardcore, homework heavyweights), I could have gotten into a water fight with my neighbors, I could have had dinner with some other neighbors. But again, what do I want?
I remember reading in one of Heidi Baker’s books this story of how they were ministering in a village, and there were people who walked three days without food and without water to hear them teach. The thing that breaks me is that they immediately lined up for the provisions the Bakers had brought with them – Bibles. They were literally starving, and would probably risk starvation again on the way home, but the line they got in first was for BIBLES.
I think that shows something about their hearts. They knew what they were really hungry for!! Hunger for organic food, well, that was a need, but they knew what they really wanted. They didn’t want a meal that would quell the ache for a few hours – they wanted the real food, the bread of life that would settle the issues of their souls!
So here’s the question again: what do I want to accomplish here? God, I want You. I want to line my toolbox with effective equipment and weaponry, I want to form relationships that challenge my comfort zone and last for the rest of my life – but so much more than that, I want YOU.
Jeremiah 15:16
When Your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight, for I bear Your name, O Lord God Almighty.
Night y’all.
Back From The Land Of Nowhere...
Haha, I'm BACK!!
Weird. I am so NOT who I was! This is going to be interesting.
For some of you, as you see the quantum leap God has done in my life it might be hard to reconcile. But let me be honest - God did it. I didn't work for this, I could not have effected this change if I'd gone to 20 years of counseling!
I've been posting some things on my Facebook, so I'm just going to re-post some of that. Hope you like it!! ^_^ Sam
Weird. I am so NOT who I was! This is going to be interesting.
For some of you, as you see the quantum leap God has done in my life it might be hard to reconcile. But let me be honest - God did it. I didn't work for this, I could not have effected this change if I'd gone to 20 years of counseling!
I've been posting some things on my Facebook, so I'm just going to re-post some of that. Hope you like it!! ^_^ Sam
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ten Seconds Inside Samantha's Head
Holy Moses, I'm posting two days in row! Amazing!
So right now, I'm in the last five minutes of my break at work and all I can think about is the mooooooooooooove. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. Next month. I. Leave. MY HOME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! What am I THINKING???!!!
I hope you weren't expecting something mature and interesting. I'm waaay too wired for that. *twitch*
Of course, God did take lots of people away from everything they knew and loved, across large stretches of land, when they owned next to nothing. And it seems like they were all better off for it. Kris Vallotton was just saying (on my ipod on the podcast I was listening to before I began panicking) that scripture verses aren't meant to be memorized - they are meant to be doorways to experiences. Whatever God has done with someone else, He'll do for you. Evidently.
I guess we'll find out? Won't we??!!
So right now, I'm in the last five minutes of my break at work and all I can think about is the mooooooooooooove. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. Next month. I. Leave. MY HOME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! What am I THINKING???!!!
I hope you weren't expecting something mature and interesting. I'm waaay too wired for that. *twitch*
Of course, God did take lots of people away from everything they knew and loved, across large stretches of land, when they owned next to nothing. And it seems like they were all better off for it. Kris Vallotton was just saying (on my ipod on the podcast I was listening to before I began panicking) that scripture verses aren't meant to be memorized - they are meant to be doorways to experiences. Whatever God has done with someone else, He'll do for you. Evidently.
I guess we'll find out? Won't we??!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Hustle and Bustle
Hey Y'all,
(Hmm. Is it "y'all" or "ya'll"?) I'm just sitting here, trying to create an update/support letter for my move to California and Bethel, and I'm driving myself nuts. I sat down to do one thing, and busied myself up with a thousand others, and everything that I'm doing I've judged to be garbage. Most annoying.
I suddenly decided that I needed a gmail account, so I'm going through the hassle of sending out emails to update everyone on that tidbit. I'm also kind of slow when it comes to technology, so figuring out the new layout is a bit daunting. Of course, once I looked at my inbox, I found four or five other things that absolutely HAD to be done. Then I got distracted by facebook, subsequently subscribed to a new blog, which leads me to my latest conundrum.
Should I make a new blog to be my personal blog for when I'm out in California?
Yes, I'm out of control. Someone help me.
(Hmm. Is it "y'all" or "ya'll"?) I'm just sitting here, trying to create an update/support letter for my move to California and Bethel, and I'm driving myself nuts. I sat down to do one thing, and busied myself up with a thousand others, and everything that I'm doing I've judged to be garbage. Most annoying.
I suddenly decided that I needed a gmail account, so I'm going through the hassle of sending out emails to update everyone on that tidbit. I'm also kind of slow when it comes to technology, so figuring out the new layout is a bit daunting. Of course, once I looked at my inbox, I found four or five other things that absolutely HAD to be done. Then I got distracted by facebook, subsequently subscribed to a new blog, which leads me to my latest conundrum.
Should I make a new blog to be my personal blog for when I'm out in California?
Yes, I'm out of control. Someone help me.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
My Old Nemesis
(This is an old draft that I never published that was from before I left home. It's real and I think it's pretty good.)
Change. My old nemesis. Sigh.
You'd think that by now, I'd be ok with change. After all, it's a natural part of life. We're meant to move and grow and flow. Each day builds on the last. Blech.
Right now, it's like I'm in my solo boat, moving toward something new and different. At the same time, all around me, everyone else is flying off in different directions! It's a season of change, the time to take up new positions, and time to level up. The way I described it to my Mom, it's like we're in platoons, and we're all running in different formations. It looks scattered and swift and powerful from down here, but only the One watching from above sees the purpose and order to it all. It's cool, but it scares me.
I'm paddling my boat, trying to stay calm and just follow my orders, but I watch everyone else that I've walked with, fought with, trained with, LIVED with breaking off and dispersing. I want to be encouraging. I want to share their joy at their new assignments. I don't want to focus so much on my discomfort that I miss this precious time. But I'm scared.
And the really alarming thing is, there is NO going back! The things that were solid and comforting yesterday, are a raging river today! There is nothing that says that if I hold on here and fight for a feeling of security, that I'll actually find security here! Security is where God is, wherever He's leading me. I need to cling to Him, not to people.
I'm determined to keep learning, and growing.
Change. My old nemesis. Sigh.
You'd think that by now, I'd be ok with change. After all, it's a natural part of life. We're meant to move and grow and flow. Each day builds on the last. Blech.
Right now, it's like I'm in my solo boat, moving toward something new and different. At the same time, all around me, everyone else is flying off in different directions! It's a season of change, the time to take up new positions, and time to level up. The way I described it to my Mom, it's like we're in platoons, and we're all running in different formations. It looks scattered and swift and powerful from down here, but only the One watching from above sees the purpose and order to it all. It's cool, but it scares me.
I'm paddling my boat, trying to stay calm and just follow my orders, but I watch everyone else that I've walked with, fought with, trained with, LIVED with breaking off and dispersing. I want to be encouraging. I want to share their joy at their new assignments. I don't want to focus so much on my discomfort that I miss this precious time. But I'm scared.
And the really alarming thing is, there is NO going back! The things that were solid and comforting yesterday, are a raging river today! There is nothing that says that if I hold on here and fight for a feeling of security, that I'll actually find security here! Security is where God is, wherever He's leading me. I need to cling to Him, not to people.
I'm determined to keep learning, and growing.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Catching Up
Ahhhhhhh the wonderful amazing-ness of mothers. =) They rock, right?
I have an especially fine one. She keeps me on my toes, sets the bar for me, and calms me down when I get too crazy and flighty. A couple of days ago she sent me an email reminding me that it's been over six months since I posted on this blog, so here I am!
Weeeeell. Life has been busy, very busy. My older brother is moving out of the house for the first time...and across the country! Haha, overkill, no? My sisters have one more year of college respectively, and then they'll be off starting their solo lives. And, it looks like change is coming to my life as well!
I've learned a lot in the last months. The biggest lesson has been about God's favor - I have it already, and I don't need to do anything to earn it. You know that scripture that talks about how God will supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus? Yeah, well, I've always said that I believed that....BUT, I've majored in not needing that much. I've kept my expenses to a minimum, and trained myself to not want much of anything. I haven't asked God for much.
Now, I know that God wants me follow Him into new territory, and I can't go there without trusting Him. As I move forward, it's so easy to slip into old ways of thinking. My self protection/provision habits are so ingrained, it's taking conscious thought to change my patterns.
But I will do it! I was born for a purpose that is bigger than me! It's so big, I can't accomplish it without God! So I will learn, and I will learn, and I will relax into God's care - He's smarter than me anyway!!
I have an especially fine one. She keeps me on my toes, sets the bar for me, and calms me down when I get too crazy and flighty. A couple of days ago she sent me an email reminding me that it's been over six months since I posted on this blog, so here I am!
Weeeeell. Life has been busy, very busy. My older brother is moving out of the house for the first time...and across the country! Haha, overkill, no? My sisters have one more year of college respectively, and then they'll be off starting their solo lives. And, it looks like change is coming to my life as well!
I've learned a lot in the last months. The biggest lesson has been about God's favor - I have it already, and I don't need to do anything to earn it. You know that scripture that talks about how God will supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus? Yeah, well, I've always said that I believed that....BUT, I've majored in not needing that much. I've kept my expenses to a minimum, and trained myself to not want much of anything. I haven't asked God for much.
Now, I know that God wants me follow Him into new territory, and I can't go there without trusting Him. As I move forward, it's so easy to slip into old ways of thinking. My self protection/provision habits are so ingrained, it's taking conscious thought to change my patterns.
But I will do it! I was born for a purpose that is bigger than me! It's so big, I can't accomplish it without God! So I will learn, and I will learn, and I will relax into God's care - He's smarter than me anyway!!
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