Monday, January 26, 2015

Older and Wiser? Gee, I Hope So.

In August, it will be three years to the date since my last published post.  I have drafts of other posts tucked away in the drafts folder, but no eyes but mine have seen them.  It has been a long period of online silence.  And in the gap, the world spun.  I see that people read some of my posts, and I'm genuinely humbled by all the generous responses.  It's really those responses that make me feel inclined to continue - hopefully not as piecemeal as it has been over the last several months and months.

When I started this blog, I wrote a mission statement in that top text bubble to our left.  When I came up with that paragraph, I never realized how high I was setting the bar for myself.  Particularly the part where I say that I will share my inner workings, the good with the bad!  It is a hard thing to do, especially over a lifetime.  I'm not perfect.  I know that you know that, but I so shy away from truly baring it all and sharing it all.  But, again and again, even though it goes against the actual make up of my personality, I remember the idea that started it all.  "What if one of the greats of history kept a record of his or her journey, a truly honest record (as honest as anyone can be about his or herself) starting from years and years before anyone could perceive anything special about him or her."

Yes, I started writing this blog like some day I'll change the world in some huge and inescapable way.  Pretty ballsy and shmucky, I know. 

(This has been my apology, because I know how it sounds.  >_<)

Well, it has been almost three years, and looking at this blog, I realize I am at a crossroad.  If I am to continue sharing, I can continue to pursue the heart of my mission statement, or I can post well written, encouraging, thought provoking articles.  Nothing wrong with the latter - except that this blog would cease to be the blog I'd intended it to be.

In the past, I shared bits and pieces, certain things I hinted at - others I gave veiled reference to.  While I want to share some of my insides, I don't want to embarrass the people close to me or cause anyone to feel betrayed or ashamed.  Plus there is the fact that if there were a physical representation of me, it would be a house with clear glass as the outer walls.  Onlookers can see into many of the rooms, but there are a few that aren't open to the public.  Duh.  (Plus, the few doors in are only accessible to a few.)  Transparency without 100% accessibility.

If I'm to move forward with the honesty that started this public journal, the blog will need a bit of an alignment.

Sheesh.  Who am I today?

I'm still Samantha, the same secretive, overly flowery, passionate writer.  I still love God.

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